It's upward 120 degrees in our city right now. There's always a stretch like this every summer. If we're lucky, there's only one or two stretches like this and we're back in the 105-112 range - still hot but at least a tiny bit more bearable.
Annabel likes to be warm so she's faring better than all of us. The hot doesn't seem to phase her. Of course, I don't hang out outside w/ her very much and when I do, it's in the shade and not in the middle of the day.
The heat and having a new baby brings out every manner of advice from locals. It's totally expected to be told what to do w/ the baby from complete strangers. I may go buy some nectarines from the bazaar and the sellers ask about where my baby is and someone from the next aisle over hollers to me some type of scolding ("why do you leave the baby at home when she's so small? you should be with her!") or advice ("if you wash her every morning she'll be very peaceful"). I pretty much just have to expect that every single time I'm ever w/ a local, I'm going to be told what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing. Just recently, my neighbor (and dear friend, by the way) told me that we (Americans) aren't careful w/ our children and that they (Tajiks) are extra careful w/ their little ones. This same person told me this spring that we pay too much attention to our kids - go figure :) I've been told how Annabel wouldn't cry and would sleep perfectly if I only did things their way - tied her into the Tajik cradle called "gavara" (gah-vah-RAH) and rocked her, that she would always sleep for 5-6 hours at a time. She would also grow up w/ very straight posture. She cries because my milk is bad - not fatty enough or maybe that's why she's so skinny (she's almost 7 weeks and is 4.5 -5 kg, about 10lb) and I need to eat more nuts. Now, someone else will tell me that's why she's crying - the nuts I eat don't benefit her. They really hate letting a baby cry. Like really, really, really can't handle it. You can only imagine how stressed out neighbors get when they get big enough that you allow them to fuss for a bit while it's time to go to sleep. There's any number of things that people believe about raising kids here and pretty much the theme is almost always the same - we do things wrong and they do things right. Now, it's easy to start to feel irate and superior because, well, we have more science and research and overall "enlightenment" on our side - but that's just doing the exact same thing (ie: we're right and they're wrong). Here, as in many Asian countries, it's totally normal to be really direct and forward about certain things - child-rearing being one of them (how much weight you've gained or lost being another thing but that's a different post :)). It takes a lot of self-control and humility to figure out how to respond and to try to see through to the heart of what someone's telling you to do (or stop doing). Some days I find this comes naturally, other days not so much - I get defensive and try to point out why our way is better for us. There's a place for explaining yourself, but most of the time that's not what anyone is interested in. I've found that people who really want to know why we do things the way we do actually ask me why and then listen to my explanation. Some days, I hide. I'm just too wiped out to try to be polite and listen or to try to be defensive.
So here I am. Trying to keep looking in the mirror at the ways that I find myself doing the "us vs. them" before judging them as being judgmental because they're doing the "we're right and you're wrong." Does that make any sense? Now, for a dose of compassion: Most young, married women live w/ their in-laws and are raising their children in the setting of mother-in-law and relatives that are constantly visiting telling them what they need to do - and what they aren't doing well enough. Can you imagine being a first time parent and living w/ people who are constantly doing this? In one sense, this is how people learn to raise children - from the women they live with. Part of that seems really nice. But there's very little room for you to try to use your own intuition because if it at all goes against what the women say, you are endlessly chided for it. I have one friend who has some very strong-willed children and she wants to train them while they're young to listen to mommy, talk respectfully, etc and she has found that using something like "time-out" is helpful. Well, as soon as grandma is around (who, is also a dear friend of ours and has been so helpful and supportive of us since we came here) she sees her little granddaughter or grandson alone in the corner of the room having a fit and she hurries to them, gives them chocolate, tells them how naughty mommy is for putting them there and more or less "rescues" them from their consequence. She tells me, "my heart just can't handle seeing them sad and alone." My friend's intention in training her children is totally undermined and she has no recourse. She's the one left to do the housework and cooking w/ little people running around knowing that they don't have to listen to mommy because grandma will rescue them every time. Yikes, huh? Now, here's where the "us vs. them" can come in again. I completely think that our way of doing things is superior. Children need consequences (and rewards) for their actions and there are things they need to learn along the road to adulthood. There's so much truth to this. But there's something else that's mysterious to me - many of these kids grow up to be good students, love their moms and be helpful and respectful toward them, and even respect people older than them wherever they go. So, apparently the spoiling of these little ones doesn't always lead to disaster. It's so easy to be judgmental but as I tell my local friends, "Everywhere in the whole world, people raise their kids every which way and everywhere in the whole world, many grow up to be healthy, happy, work and have their own families." Of course everywhere in the world, there is every manner of problems too but that usually comes up in other kinds of situations (ie: "In America, you don't have ______, do you?").
All that to say - let's be kind to the new mom you know, the old mom who's raised the white flag and has no idea what to do, even the one who is quite judgmental of others (surely she'll have one of those smack-you-in-the-face experiences one day and that's going to rock her world). We all need validation and encouragement for this one-of-a-kind work of raising children.
Just a disclaimer - I've been ridiculously blessed in who I have as a mom and mother-in-law. Both are incredibly supportive, encouraging and loving. They have never made me feel like they knew everything and I knew nothing and have given me helpful advice at many different junctures. Nothing mentioned here has any relation to them. Hats off to you - Claudie and Nan!
