The "us vs. them"

It's upward 120 degrees in our city right now. There's always a stretch like this every summer. If we're lucky, there's only one or two stretches like this and we're back in the 105-112 range - still hot but at least a tiny bit more bearable.
Annabel likes to be warm so she's faring better than all of us. The hot doesn't seem to phase her. Of course, I don't hang out outside w/ her very much and when I do, it's in the shade and not in the middle of the day.
The heat and having a new baby brings out every manner of advice from locals. It's totally expected to be told what to do w/ the baby from complete strangers. I may go buy some nectarines from the bazaar and the sellers ask about where my baby is and someone from the next aisle over hollers to me some type of scolding ("why do you leave the baby at home when she's so small? you should be with her!") or advice ("if you wash her every morning she'll be very peaceful"). I pretty much just have to expect that every single time I'm ever w/ a local, I'm going to be told what I'm doing wrong and what I should be doing. Just recently, my neighbor (and dear friend, by the way) told me that we (Americans) aren't careful w/ our children and that they (Tajiks) are extra careful w/ their little ones. This same person told me this spring that we pay too much attention to our kids - go figure :) I've been told how Annabel wouldn't cry and would sleep perfectly if I only did things their way - tied her into the Tajik cradle called "gavara" (gah-vah-RAH) and rocked her, that she would always sleep for 5-6 hours at a time. She would also grow up w/ very straight posture. She cries because my milk is bad - not fatty enough or maybe that's why she's so skinny (she's almost 7 weeks and is 4.5 -5 kg, about 10lb) and I need to eat more nuts. Now, someone else will tell me that's why she's crying - the nuts I eat don't benefit her. They really hate letting a baby cry. Like really, really, really can't handle it. You can only imagine how stressed out neighbors get when they get big enough that you allow them to fuss for a bit while it's time to go to sleep. There's any number of things that people believe about raising kids here and pretty much the theme is almost always the same - we do things wrong and they do things right. Now, it's easy to start to feel irate and superior because, well, we have more science and research and overall "enlightenment" on our side - but that's just doing the exact same thing (ie: we're right and they're wrong). Here, as in many Asian countries, it's totally normal to be really direct and forward about certain things - child-rearing being one of them (how much weight you've gained or lost being another thing but that's a different post :)). It takes a lot of self-control and humility to figure out how to respond and to try to see through to the heart of what someone's telling you to do (or stop doing). Some days I find this comes naturally, other days not so much - I get defensive and try to point out why our way is better for us. There's a place for explaining yourself, but most of the time that's not what anyone is interested in. I've found that people who really want to know why we do things the way we do actually ask me why and then listen to my explanation. Some days, I hide. I'm just too wiped out to try to be polite and listen or to try to be defensive.
So here I am. Trying to keep looking in the mirror at the ways that I find myself doing the "us vs. them" before judging them as being judgmental because they're doing the "we're right and you're wrong." Does that make any sense? Now, for a dose of compassion: Most young, married women live w/ their in-laws and are raising their children in the setting of mother-in-law and relatives that are constantly visiting telling them what they need to do - and what they aren't doing well enough. Can you imagine being a first time parent and living w/ people who are constantly doing this? In one sense, this is how people learn to raise children - from the women they live with. Part of that seems really nice. But there's very little room for you to try to use your own intuition because if it at all goes against what the women say, you are endlessly chided for it. I have one friend who has some very strong-willed children and she wants to train them while they're young to listen to mommy, talk respectfully, etc and she has found that using something like "time-out" is helpful. Well, as soon as grandma is around (who, is also a dear friend of ours and has been so helpful and supportive of us since we came here) she sees her little granddaughter or grandson alone in the corner of the room having a fit and she hurries to them, gives them chocolate, tells them how naughty mommy is for putting them there and more or less "rescues" them from their consequence. She tells me, "my heart just can't handle seeing them sad and alone." My friend's intention in training her children is totally undermined and she has no recourse. She's the one left to do the housework and cooking w/ little people running around knowing that they don't have to listen to mommy because grandma will rescue them every time. Yikes, huh? Now, here's where the "us vs. them" can come in again. I completely think that our way of doing things is superior. Children need consequences (and rewards) for their actions and there are things they need to learn along the road to adulthood. There's so much truth to this. But there's something else that's mysterious to me - many of these kids grow up to be good students, love their moms and be helpful and respectful toward them, and even respect people older than them wherever they go. So, apparently the spoiling of these little ones doesn't always lead to disaster. It's so easy to be judgmental but as I tell my local friends, "Everywhere in the whole world, people raise their kids every which way and everywhere in the whole world, many grow up to be healthy, happy, work and have their own families." Of course everywhere in the world, there is every manner of problems too but that usually comes up in other kinds of situations (ie: "In America, you don't have ______, do you?").
All that to say - let's be kind to the new mom you know, the old mom who's raised the white flag and has no idea what to do, even the one who is quite judgmental of others (surely she'll have one of those smack-you-in-the-face experiences one day and that's going to rock her world). We all need validation and encouragement for this one-of-a-kind work of raising children.

Just a disclaimer - I've been ridiculously blessed in who I have as a mom and mother-in-law. Both are incredibly supportive, encouraging and loving. They have never made me feel like they knew everything and I knew nothing and have given me helpful advice at many different junctures. Nothing mentioned here has any relation to them. Hats off to you - Claudie and Nan!

Pics from Thailand

We did a whole loy of swimming in Thailand. Emmett decided he was ready to swim w/o water wings 4 weeks before his 4th birthday. I was swimming in the deep end and saw him throw off his wings, get out of the kiddie pool and take a running start into the big pool. I swam over to him (not very quickly since I was 36 weeks pregnant) and saw him kicking and paddling and barely keeping his nose above the surface. In typical Bettinger-adventurer-style - he was hooked. No more floaties for him!
We got to meet so many wonderful families while we were at The Juniper Tree and were spoiled silly. They cook every meal, do your laundry and ironing, clean your hut every week or so, have cold soda and water at the ready and ice cream. There's also a great pool and fun play areas and gardens all over the property for kids to explore - topped off w/ a mini soccer field. A great place for a family (or anyone for that matter) and a fantastic place to spend my last month of pregnancy and first 4 weeks w/ a new born. There were four of us families there having babies and they ended up being born all w/i 3 weeks of each other - so us ladies had lots to commiserate about: before the babies - "oh my ligaments are killing me! I have to pee AGAIN! etc" and after - "How much sleep did you get last night? You need some more coffee?" A very special and memorable time for all of us.

So much fun.

I loved being in the pool for lots of reasons but one of them was that I could actually carry Hannah and Emmett in the water (when they let me!).

The elephant show. Another must if you're in Thailand. The elephants are just so cool.

Grandma w/ her three youngest grans. What a gift to have her there! There will be an even younger gran in August/September (via my sister, Shannon).

Hannah w/ friends Norah and Sophia (who's mom had her baby a week after Annabel was born). The girls, their dads and some other friends found this cave when they went rock climbing.

When you swim every day, you constantly find new things to do in the pool - like see how long you can stand on daddy's shoulders. That's Emmett in the background.

Emmett and Myles were diving into the deep end w/o any problem after a few weeks of swimming every day.

From left: Brooke w/ Juday (born June 20th), Katherine w/ Khemrin (born June 3rd), me w/ Annabel and Jenny w/ Tanner.

Our most commonly used mode of transportation - the Song Taew

Hannah w/ best buddy, Jiah.

Love this guy. He's so much fun.

Myles at the night safari.

Hannah, Myles and Emmett w/ "big brother" Jonah at the Chiang Mai Night Safari.

Hanging out by the "obstacle course." Of course, the kids did this - I only watched and cheered them on.

Our friend, Karen, from Portland was at the Juniper Tree right around my due date. Great to visit w/ her.

Hannah and I went for pedicures w/ our friends while we were waiting for baby. Of course, Hannah chose rainbow sparkles :)

Couldn't get enough of the tropical fruit!

At the Sunday walking market - a must if you're ever in Chiang Mai.

Jenny and I with dear friend, Jen Sawchenko. We had such a lovely time together, unfortunately neither of us got to have Jen (a former midwife) there for the births of our babies.

Andrey and Jen and their daughter, Ella, live in the Philippines and were able to come hang out w/ us for a whole week. Too much fun! Ella is a little fish too so there was a lot of fun w/ the daddies in the pool

Catching up on the birth of Annabel Luci

I thought I would blog much more while we were in Thailand but surprisingly, our internet connection was pretty poor. The one benefit to that is that our connection now in Tajikistan seems really good to us :)
Before getting too far ahead, I wanted to write a bit about the birth of Annabel Luci (for those who want to know. I'll post pics of our time in Thailand - which was WONDERFUL for the record - in another post.

My mom got to see Annabel within her first hour after birth. She was a real trooper as she arrived in Thailand to find out we were at the hospital and immediately jumped on Grandma duty. No opportunity to be jet-lagged for her!

Jenny and I were across the hall from each other. This is the day after Annabel was born, two days after Tanner was born.

Looks so much like Emmett did as

They continue to be enthralled with their baby sister.

Annabel was due June 3rd and I was expecting her sometime around June 8th-10th (since Hannah & Emmett were both 5 & 6 days "late"). Well, the 10th came and went and so did our dear friends the Sawchenkos (I had hoped Jen would be there for the birth - she's a precious, peaceful friend and former midwife) and no baby. The morning of June 12th, Jenny went into labor and had Tanner Josiah (8lb 4oz - sooo handsome!). I was so proud of her - a quick natural birth. She had been nervous for the no epidural thing and she rocked it (epidurals aren't available for labor pain management in Chiang Mai - only for C-sections). We had to go to the hospital for a non-stress test that day and I'd held it together pretty well for a long time (9 days overdue at that point) but when I heard our little baby's heart beat I just started to cry. It reaffirmed to me that there was really a little person in there who seemed to be doing great but who was just not entering the outside world for some reason. Seeing little Tanner had made me really want to be holding my own baby and I just wasn't even having increasing contractions or anything. Seemed like this little one would be in me forever and that we'd never meet him/her (we didn't know if it was a boy or girl). My doctor stripped my membranes and encouraged me that she thought my baby was waiting for grandma to come (my mom would be arriving on June 13th). She'd said that all along.
During the night I noticed that I was starting to have "real" contractions every 15 minutes - nothing very impressive but at least something to make me hopeful that the baby may actually come out. By 5am I decided I'd walk around outside and try to get my body to get into gear and get the contractions coming closer together. I was feeling like I just wanted to get to 4cm dilated and go to the hospital - that maybe once I was there, away from the kids and the hustle and bustle of where we were staying, maybe I could concentrate on getting labor going (and avoid driving there and taking the busy elevator to the labor floor while in intense pain). In the U.S. I would have avoided going to the hospital early - I would have waited til the contractions were intense and 2-3 min apart so that no one would be trying to rush my labor along but in Chiang Mai, they just get you settled in a really big, nice labor room, check baby and mom every 1-2 hours and pretty much say, "call when you are ready to push" and otherwise leave you alone. We went to the hospital around 6:30 or 7 and I was 4cm dilated and still not having impressive contractions though they were every 5-7 minutes. I walked and walked and walked and they would just space out more. At a couple points, the contractions stopped all together and I took a few naps. By about 2pm, I was getting discouraged that they weren't becoming significantly stronger and closer together. Our friend, Brooke, who was also very pregnant and due 11 days later, came to see us and asked what we needed. I told her to just pray that my body would take over and this labor thing would swing into gear. That was about 4pm. Well, within minutes my contractions got stronger and became every 2-3 minutes apart. What was crazy was how present-minded I stayed this time around. Usually I've turned into crazy laboring mom and yell and say that I quit (and really mean it and think that that's a legitimate option) and all that stuff but this time I was moaning and groaning and such but not yelling and able to talk to Rees b/w contractions like a rational person. It was only Rees and I in that room and he was soooo supportive and helpful the whole time. I decided to get in the shower on the exercise ball and after a little while found that I was cold and shaking and thought to myself, "this it like transition, but it can't be - I'm too sane and it doesn't hurt enough yet to be transition." A nurse came in and asked if she could check me (they hadn't checked my dilation since I got there that morning) and I consented. I was 9cm and boy was I happily surprised! She asked me if I needed to push and I said "no." At that point, a friend who is a midwife-in-training came in (with a high school student who wants to be a midwife who I had told could come) and I was still talking w/ them between contractions like a "normal" person. My contractions spaced out again and I was saying, "I wish my water would break - maybe then I'd actually feel like pushing." The doctor came in to check on me and I told her that I didn't feel like pushing yet and she told me to just let her know when I did feel like it and left. One or two contractions later my water finally broke and I felt like it was getting time to push. I got on my knees on the bed (holding the exercise ball) and I could feel that the baby was really low. At that point, the doctor and nurses came into the room and it seemed like everyone was talking. I finally felt like pushing and started doing so quietly. I heard people talking to me, telling me to breathe and all that and I could tell that the baby was about to crown and I didn't feel like wasting my breath on talking to everyone. I figured, "well, my bottom is here in plain sight and I'm sure they'll figure out soon enough that this baby is coming out." I heard Rees say, "the head is coming out, honey!" and I thought, "duh, I know that." She was out and crying at 6pm. I immediately tried to get a look at her (since she was behind me) to see if she was a he or she. I couldn't see and I asked Rees, "is it a girl or a boy?" It took a long time for him to answer which I thought was odd (since it's a pretty simple thing to determine) and then I heard, "girl!" Turned out her cord was between her legs and once it was moved, Rees thought her swollen labia were little testicles and was quite worried when he didn't see a penis too :)
Hopefully that's not TMI (well, it is but you could have chosen to stop reading).
She was a tiny peanut - our littlest one. They helped me get comfy and handed her to me and she had so much hair (like Emmett). After a while they measured her - 3.14kg (about 6lb 15oz) and 50cm long (19inches). It ended up being such a peaceful birth and we fell in love with her immediately. Having had three "low intervention" births (ie: no drugs, episiotomy, forceps, etc) I can honestly say that I totally understand why people go for the drugs :) I certainly have no judgements for how people have their babies. It's hard work and it's painful no matter how you do it. If you don't have pain during labor and birth, you still have it afterward. I just prefer to have the pain during labor and birth and be able to get up and move around and pee and all that right afterward - so that's why "natural" is my personal preference and I'm thankful that it's worked out for each baby. There are so many times that things don't go the way we hoped or planned and I feel insanely, tremendously, abundantly blessed that we've ended up w/ three beautiful births and three healthy, beautiful children.
Hannah & Emmett are crazy about Annabel. They kiss her and talk to her all the time. Emmett just told her, "Annabel - you're a rockstar baby!" as I'm writing this. She has reflux pretty bad so we are giving her medicine and doing a lot of pacing and bouncing with her but I think she's got a pretty peaceful temperament and we're all enjoying her a lot.