Pro Choice, but not the way you think...

My Tajik sister, who I'll just call D (so I don't keep writing her name over and over) is pregnant - for the sixth time. She has 5 daughters ranging in age from 8 months to 13 yrs. Baby #6 is due almost exactly a year from the birth of her current baby. As you probably know from my previous posts, it's really not favorable to have daughters, though any mother will tell you that daughters are a special gift to a mother in how helpful and responsible they are. In short, sons bring daughter-in-laws into the family and daughters get married off into other families. Sons work (ideally) and help provide for the whole family and daughters are working in the home of their in-laws. So there are some really practical reasons why couples want at least one son. Most problems are put on the women (it's all their fault, right?). To the point where the local family of a friend of ours influenced their son to divorce his wife right after their second baby died. Their first one had died a few years ago and just a few weeks ago their new 3 month old died. I'm just guessing from maybe a congenital heart defect - probably even operable in the developed world, but not even a thought toward something like that here. What do you think happened after the baby died? Was the grieving mother comforted? Nope. She was ridiculed and bad-mouthed and two days before the big holiday we just had, ending Ramadan, her husband divorced her (which, by the way, is done by him simply saying, "I divorce you, I divorce you, I divorce you." I'm not joking.) Can you imagine?

Returning to my sister, D. Her husband isn't around very much. He's in Russia working. There just aren't many jobs here so most men leave for some amount of time to Russia or Kazakhstan for work. She's living in the village with her in-laws (our Tajik family, the place where we lived our first month here) and her five daughters - who I must add are each so beautiful. Her youngest was born this past January (I'm pretty sure I blogged about that) and at birth was named, Madina. After 4 months, her dad renamed her Istatoi, which more or less means "stop." He said it was because this must be the end of the girls and the beginning of the boys. I was surprised to hear there would be more because D had told me that 5 kids were plenty. Sure enough, she immediately gets pregnant again, her husband leaves for Russia and she's asking me how early she would be able to know the gender of the baby. I told her sometime around 5 months, even 4 1/2. They (she and our family) insisted that in Tajikistan (even using OLD ultrasound equipment) that they can tell at 2 months. Well, she's 3 1/2 months now and has been to 5 ultrasounds so far and 2 of them said it looks like it may be a girl and the other 3 said they couldn't tell, it was too early. Her husband promptly said, "don't take a chance, just abort it."Of course, he's never even really been around for one of her whole pregnancies, let alone known what it felt like to have a life inside you and he's in Russia so it's not difficult for him to just order her on the phone to abort the baby. D's mother-in-law and father-in-law (our mom & dad here) are saying, "our son is being bad. He doesn't understand. All children are a gift from God. We'd be happy if they had 10 girls." D, is concerned that he'll take a second wife (you know, one that can give him some boys because it's all D's fault, right?) and is desperate for me to help her abort the baby. I told her that I love her so much, that we would raise her baby girl as our own if our governments would allow it, that I hurt for her but that I would have no part in aborting her baby. That our hearts would be sick and sad forever and that all life is precious to God. I'm writing all of this because coming from Portland, you are considered close-minded and right-wing if you aren't pro-choice - that's obviously a generalization, but the Portlanders all understand, don't you? Well, I am a different kind of pro-choice here. I wish a woman could choose to keep her baby, even if it's a girl. I wish a husband didn't have the right to just command a woman to abort their baby. It really puts a different spin on the idea of a woman's right to choose. 

I really hope that someday I can blog about something good that happened in this situation. We're praying, we're trying to be there for D and our family. I've even asked about adoption, but apparently foreigners aren't allowed to adopt Tajik children. I have to look into this some more and figure out if that's the law or what. If you think about it, would you pray for her (or think good thoughts or whatever you do) too? I wish she was the exception, but unfortunately there are countless women like her in this country. 

This picture is a recent picture of Hannah helping her Tajik grandma (D's mother-in-law) peel veggies for the holiday, Eidi Ramazon. She calls her "moma" which means grandma. I'm really happy to say that moma loves girls :)

Thailand and the end of summer (hopefully)

How many times did I think to myself, "I really need to update our blog" or "I should blog about this" but alas the opportune time never matched my intentions. So here's an update on the end of July until now-ish.
We were very busy at the end of July, both seeing off our friends and teammates who were going back to the states or elsewhere and preparing to leave for 4 weeks to Thailand ourselves. I hadn't anticipated how exhausting it would be to leave, I had only thought about how wonderful it would be to be in a more developed country where we could get some rest and perspective on our lives here. We managed to visit with (almost) everyone we wanted to see prior to leaving - thank God - it truly was a minor miracle, as well as get packed, get our house in order and all that kind of work. You can read the previous entry to hear about how our actual travelling went, suffice it to say it was memorable and if we manage to forget it someday - we may be better for it :)
We went to Chiang Mai, Thailand and our first week there we stayed at a wonderful resort for people in our line of work that was sooooo peaceful - a real mom's vacation too. They do all the cooking and meals are at designated times (no need to have to decide what to eat, when and where) and they also do all your laundry - aaaaaah (can you hear the angel chorus?). There were big toys for the kids, a great family pool, even an indoor play area right in the dining room so when the kids were done eating they could go play while the adults finished their meal. I'm telling you, these people have thought of everything! It was so encouraging for us to spend time with other people who are doing what we are doing all over the world and great for Hannah & Emmett to play with some kids who also speak English and who understand living in another country than their country of citizenship. We were blessed to spend time with a couple who had been working in Thailand for 45 yrs. Their stories and gentle wisdom were a great encouragement to us (here's to you, Alan & Maelynn!). It was so helpful to bounce ideas off other families in regards to parenting issues and such. We spent a lot of that first week just swimming and sleeping. We didn't realize how exhausted we were. Our second week we went to our company's conference at a different hotel in Chiang Mai and what a wonderful gift it was to be able to be at this conference! We were encouraged - emotionally, spiritually, intellectually as well as physically and came away with some great new friendships and an even greater sense of thankfulness for our company. The last day of our conference, we had a very special guest join us - Rees' mom, Nan (or Nanu to the grandkids). Hannah went with Rees to the airport to meet her and says that Nan cried she was so happy and that Hannah too was almost in tears she was so happy to see her Nanu. Even Emmett recognized her from our Skype calls and was super excited when he saw her. Our next 13 days were spent back at the first resort we stayed at, Nanu staying with us, and we had a fantastic time of sharing, laughing, crying and just all-around fun and rest. Rees and I got to spend some time together just the two of us - which was a welcome treat. We got to sit at a coffee shop and drink iced-coffees and talk - totally uninterrupted! We also got to go to a movie together and best of all - we got to go up into the rain forest and do a zip-line adventure together. I'll tell ya, letting all that adrenaline loose and laughing and screaming was good for our souls - highly recommend it. I think if Nan had not joined us, 4 weeks would have been just right to refresh us to come back to Tajikistan but since Nan was with us, the time felt too short. Of course, there may not have been any amount of time that would have seemed long enough :) Thanks so much for joining us, Nan!
There were many "normal" things we took advantage of while in Thailand and were so thankful for the professionalism and affordability. It was so nice to get to the dentist - Hannah even went for the first time and she did so well, have good medical facilities close by and be able to take the kids to a pediatrician, get some shopping done and just enjoy some "developed" things that we don't have access to here. On the top of my list were the rain storms in which our electricity didn't go out. Here, many times rain means no electricity and for us, no electricity means no running water either so this Pacific NW girl finds myself longing for rain and once it comes, wishing it would be over. I can't tell you how great it felt to be in such a temperate climate - rarely, if ever, getting over-heated. I feel like I live in a pretty consistent state of being overheated here (at least from May til September with a few sporadic days in March and April) and I felt so thankful every day to just feel pretty comfortable. Some other highlights were the Night Safari - beautiful grounds and we had never been so close to so many different animals and seen them so active. It was the most low-stress zoo-type thing we'd ever done and if you're ever in ChiangBuatong if anyone's familiar with the area - and played in the water and then climbed up the water falls. It wasn't as daring as it may sound, it was just fun. The falls were a nicely graded slope of limestone and the water originates from a spring that is apparently high in Magnesium. The Magnesium reacts with the limestone making the surface of the limestone more like a fine pummous rock so you don't slip and you crawl up. Thanks to the Hubers for taking us along on the adventure.

We arrived back in Tajikistan two weeks ago now and have been pleasantly surprised by the decently smooth transition back. The kids are adjusting better than ever and we are experiencing a lot of grace to get back in the rhythm of life (minus the ol' tummy troubles). It's great to reconnect with our neighbors and our Tajik family and friends as well as the other foreigners here. I feel more grace to just lower my expectations of myself for each day and take advantage of visits with neighbors as they are available instead of trying to make so much happen. Hannah and Emmett, though siblings they are, seem to be able to play with each other better these days as well as play with their toys for longer (I love legos! Even the cheapo low-end Chinese ones!). There's always so much to be thankful for and we are so thankful for the rest and refreshing we got to experience that seems to be making it a little easier to be here. Hope this entry can be a reminder to whoever is reading that even when you think you're doing well, make a point of taking a break and getting some rest and doing something refreshing. You may be surprised at how much better the "mundane" things of life are afterward.

Oh the places we'll go (and the ways we'll get there)

I thought I had posted this while we were in Thailand, but apparently not. My apologies. I must say that our return travel to Tajikistan went much better, though we still had to pick up all of our luggage at all 4 airports along the way. China Southern was a decent airline, it was just travelling through China in general that was the hassle - no offense to our dear Chinese friends :)


We are so happy to finally be in Thailand. It was a bit of a rough go getting here but as these things go, now that we’re here it doesn’t seem like it was that bad.  In Tajik, travel or journey is called “safar” cool huh? Sounds like safari. Our safar started Saturday night as a friend picked us up in Kurgonteppa and drove us up to his house in Dushanbe. We got to Dushanbe around 8:30pm and had dinner together and attempted to put the kids down to sleep for a bit. Emmett was the only one who slept (maybe 1 1/2 hrs) before we went to the airport at 11:30pm.  The Dushanbe airport is pretty small and bare bones. We went through a bunch of security lines and checking of our passports and all that before we reached the ticket counter and got our boarding passes. Everyone was pretty nice to us to that point but then the ticket counter guys told us we couldn’t gate check our stroller and insisted that we had to check it.  I asked them multiple times if our stroller would be waiting for us at our first stop (Urumqi, China). They insisted that yes it would be there. They also informed us that they could only check our luggage to Urumqi and that we’d have to pick it up there (boo for that).  We were disappointed by all of that but as things go in Tajikistan, there was nothing we could do about it. Then we went to another immigration control line (by this point Hannah and Emmett are starting to melt-down) and they asked us why we didn’t have the little piece of paper that we were given when we first entered the country. We asked them how we were supposed to know that we should have that paper and told them that the officials had only given us two papers for all four of us anyway. They said, “you’ll have to go back to KT and get your papers” (mind you this is completely unrealistic to do and actually get on our flight). At this point Hannah starts pulling down her pants and screaming that she has to go potty and she starts pulling off the “night time diaper” we’d put on her, screaming, “I don’t want a diaper! Take it off! Take it off!” This screaming wakes up Emmett who immediately starts screaming too. I looked at the official and asked what he wanted us to do and said that he knew that we couldn’t get to KT to get our papers and that we had to get to our flight. Rees effectively told them that this was not his mistake, that it was theirs’ to which they confidently responded, “no, it’s your problem.” H & E are still screaming and I’m trying to keep some clothes on Hannah. The officials are saying, “what should we do?” which is essentially asking for a bribe. Finally one of the guys, practically yelling over the kids’ screaming, tells me I can go through. Of course there’s another line with more security (real secure too, I didn’t have my passport or anything b/c Rees had it and I just told the guy, “you’ll know who my husband is when you see him. Can I take my daughter to the toilet?” to which he said, “fine.”) We actually made friends with another couple who were moving from Dushanbe to Cambodia. They had a baby and 3 yr old too and he was going to be a professor at a university there. Rees eventually paid the guys 20 sum (about $4) and they let him go.  This couple couldn’t believe that Rees had to pay the guys to let us through. Eventually we got on the plane and arranged for our seats to be together (since they weren’t ticketed that way) and took off around 1:30am – kids still screaming until they fell asleep for the last hr of our flight. Once we arrived in Urumqi our stroller, of course, was not there so we schlepped kids and bags to customs where we found that they expected us to have visas. Their website clearly says that a visa is not needed if you are only transiting through China and not leaving the airport and our travel agent had confirmed that but apparently they had a different idea. So we waited in all kinds of other lines and got taken back to some waiting area where people kept taking our passports and talking to other people. We don’t know Chinese or Russian so we were sort of out of luck as far as understanding what was happening or being able to communicate. Of course, Hannah didn’t have to use the potty when we got off the plane but waiting in that line she suddenly had to go so I begged someone to let us use a toilet. They led me to what appeared to be a staff bathroom and Hannah started yelling, “it’s stinky in here! I don’t want to go potty in here!” They were the squatty potties (which we also have in T-stan) but she decided she didn’t want to go in there but she’d told me 10 times that she really had to go. She started crying again and Emmett (strapped to me with our baby carrier) woke up and started crying.  I tried to help her so that she wouldn’t have to stand on the potty but she started screaming, flailing, kicking and insisting that she didn’t have to go anymore, all the while Emmett is screaming too and I want to join them but at the same time I’m thinking, “I wish I could laugh right now because I’m pretty sure I’ll laugh about this later.” I was a terrible mommy and looked at Hannah with desperation and said, “Hannah, you are making mommy go crazy! PLEASE go pee pee!” Didn’t work. We ended up back out in the waiting area, all the people who had just flown in from Dubai and Tehran, just watching us. Rees decided to just put a diaper on Hannah right then and there, which got a lot of funny looks but what were we to do? Eventually they gave us more papers to fill out and we went on to the next line where we encountered the same problem and ended up waiting again. It was another ticketing counter where we were re-checking our bags and poor Hannah just laid down on that linoleum floor, in the middle of swarms of people and started to fall asleep. There was not a single other blond-headed girl in the whole airport so she was quite the attraction. Eventually we ended up getting on our flight but all of our seats were separated from each other (even Hannah’s – how can a 3 yr old get ticketed for her own seat, away from her parents, on an international flight?). We ended up only being able to get seats together in the very last row, with the very least legroom, on the longest flight of our safar. The kids eventually fell asleep (after more screaming, of course) and Rees and I did the ol’ nodding off, head-bobbing trick. You know, the I’m-too-uncomfortable-to-actually-stay-asleep-but-I’m-too-tired-to-stay-awake deal. Fortunately, the kids stayed asleep through most of the flight and we ended up making it to Guangzhou where things started to turn around for us. They still expected us to have visas but they were much quicker to accept the papers and stamps that we’d gotten in Urumqi and while we were trying to work out getting people to trade seats with us so we could sit together (or at least so that Hannah would be sitting with one of us) a very kind flight attendant arranged for us to have a whole bulk-head row all to ourselves.  It was a world of difference from our previous flight. Hannah and Emmett fell asleep again and Rees and we had a pretty peaceful flight to Bangkok. Once in Bangkok we found our way to baggage claim to go through customs before our flight to Chiang Mai but alas, our bags didn’t make it to Bangkok. The friendly people from Thai Airways helped us and assured us that our bags would be found and sent to us in Chiang Mai and with an hour before we needed to board our flight we found ourselves sitting in Starbucks for the first time in 9 months. It was amazing. Hannah was still having a hard time not screaming but Rees’ and my attitudes (and headaches) changed for the better after a few cups of REAL coffee. Actually, I had an iced vanilla latte – wow! Couldn’t believe how good that tasted.  So at least Hannah was the only one throwing fits after that, instead of all 4 of us J Our flight to Chiang Mai was uneventful and we arrived at the Juniper Tree without further incident at 11pm and wonder-of-wonders, we all slept straight through the night and woke up to beautiful, peaceful tropical surroundings, warm, hospitable people who are in the same line of work we are, great food and super-duper family-friendly amenities. It’s nothing fancy for Western standards but for us coming from Central Asia, it’s a little piece of heaven.  So far we’ve been swimming every day, multiple times a day, reading, letting the kids play outside, taking naps and connecting to the great people who are also staying here. Although we enjoy talking about what we do, it’s so nice to be somewhere where we don’t have to explain why we are doing what we are doing because everyone here understands already. There are lots of little kids for Hannah & Emmett to play with and our baggage even made it to Chiang Mai the morning after we arrived. We still don’t have our stroller but 5 out of 6 isn’t too bad. So though I think I’d rather have a different travel plan if we come here again; we made it, we’re all doing great, we’re looking forward to our conference next week and seeing Nan the following weeks and we are pretty darn blessed. If you’ve made it to the end of this entry, I applaud you. This one was definitely mostly for me to rant but I appreciate you hanging in there with me. As with most things in life, in hindsight – it wasn’t as bad as it seemed.